Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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