My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
