I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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