I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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