Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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