just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
