I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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