He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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