My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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