is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
