Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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