God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
