There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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