Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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