there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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