I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
