You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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