Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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