By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
