i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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