I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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