Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize