I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
