I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
