Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
