well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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