you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Randomize
