Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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