I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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