i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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