Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
