Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
