My friends, they love my intelligence
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
