She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
