I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize