I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
