I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
