OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
