I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize