i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
