Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
