i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
