Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
