Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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