He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
