i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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