Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize