its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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