I looked at my own cervix.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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