Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
