Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's like heaven, but drunker
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
