Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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