I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
