Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
