I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
