I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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