If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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