How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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