Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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