His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
