Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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