Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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