It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
