I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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