Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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