I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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