We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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