Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
